Particularly the foot and mouth belonging to me.
I was going back and forth about the title of this post. Faux Pas or Foot in Mouth. So I looked up the definitions of each.
Faux Pas: "a social blunder or indiscretion; [from French: false step]".
The French have a way with words. Even something like being a fool in public sounds fabulous.
Foot in Mouth: "This is used to describe someone who has just said something embarrassing, inappropriate, wrong or stupid."
Americans, on the other hand, come up with phrases like "foot in mouth".
I'm American, so I guess that's why the no frills definition of "foot in mouth" really resonated with me. But it was really the word stupid that tipped the scales.
The other day I got an email from a friend which said, "I'm emailing you because I've given up calling. You never answer your phone." I get pestered about that A LOT. And for some reason, I decided today was the day to do something about it. Clearly, the people calling my phone needed more information about my phone management style. Clearly.
So, I decided to change my chipper, cheerful voicemail greeting from the normal, "Hi, this is Jenny. Thanks for calling! Leave me a message and I'll call you back. Have a great day!" to something more informative.
I'm not a one hit wonder on voicemail greeting recordings. Are you? I was about the third recording attempt in. I was feeling glib. I was feeling catharsis. It was feeling really quite good to hear myself saying, "Hello, this is Jenny. Thanks for calling. I use my phone as an answering service, which is why I hardly ever answer my phone. If you would like for me to call you back, please leave a message and I will get back to you later in the day."
In my head, I was hearing a choir singing, "Freedooooommm, Freedooooom!" I was hearing, "Amen! Preach it, Sista!" "Go 'head! Get it out! Tell 'em what its about!" So I did. I went on with my bad self and told 'em what it was all about.
Bonus tip of the day: Listening to voices in your head is by and large a bad idea.
I continued recording myself saying, "if this is truly an emergency and you need to speak with me this very instant, send me a text message. And another thing...for your information, I home school my two boys all day long, I cook, I clean, I garden, I have a life. I enjoy doing other things with my time than answer the phone every single time it rings. So if you get this message and don't like it, oh well." I'm absolutely sure it was a teensy bit nicer than that.
And then I laughed out loud, thinking, "Oh man, that is hilarious! I really wish I could leave that on there!"
My next thought was, "Oh shit! I better get that greeting off ASAP! What if someone really heard that?"
So, I responsibly and promptly started recording another greeting. I was in the middle of getting back to the "record greeting screen" when my phone rang showing a number I didn't recognize. In my eagerness, to record my new greeting ASAP, I sent the call to voicemail.
mhmm...you read that right. I sent the call to voicemail. I am not lying. You can't make this kind of stupidity up. They did not leave a message, nor did they send me a text message.
I wish I was French.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Followers and Forgiveness
I started a blog about food and titled it "Fishsticks, Fiddlesticks and Failing Forward". Originally, I wanted to force myself into a good relationship with food. I've moved from hate/hate to love/hate and I'm calling it progress.
My original "About Me" said: "I am a frustrated mom who decided to feed my finicky kids fish sticks while I form my own friendship with food. I frequently find myself swearing fiddlesticks (and other words beginning with f) while I fail forward in my adventure with food. I also occasionally talk fingernails. Apparently, unbeknown to me prior to this blog, I have a love affair with ALL words beginning with f. All this time, I thought it was just the one! Disclaimer: Fish sticks is a catchall word for stuff my kids will eat. Literalists beware. Hyperbole is my friend."
That's when I started to realize that I had a special relationship with F words that extended far beyond what I considered to be a one word category. I also simultaneously at the same time realized that I might possibly be what some might call weird. I've accepted it and moved from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence and I'm calling it progress.
I've also come to accept that if I keep this blog singularly focused on food:
1. I'll post about three times every other year,
2. I'll be holding my own feet to the fire about resolving my cooking issues
3. Why on earth would I want to do that?
4. I'll be continually awash with guilt for numbers 1-3.
5. Oprah says not to awash myself in guilt so I'm not going to.
6. Also, I'm pretty sure Jesus said something about that, too, although I really don't think blog guilt was exactly what he was aiming at...nonetheless...
7. These numbers are erroneous.
8. Case in point
So, I'm here asking forgiveness from my 12 faithful followers for changing the rather benign, albeit strange title of "Fishsticks, Fiddlesticks and Failing Forward" to the broader, albeit possibly offensive title "Writing with F Words". I realize that looking at your "blogs I follow" and seeing that title could make you think you've been somehow spammed and cause you to say something like "what the f***?!" I will not be offended if you "unfollow". My low-teens follower numbers will cloak your decision in anonymity.
For those of you who do stick around, I promise to still write about Food (three times every other year), I also guarantee there will be plenty of Failing, hopefully with Forward movement. But now I Feel the Freedom to also write about my other Favorite F words: Friends, Family, Faith, Fingernails, France and Farming (gardening doesn't start with an f). I also think the new title is Freaking Funny.
Your Friend,
Jenny
P.S. What is your favorite f word?
My original "About Me" said: "I am a frustrated mom who decided to feed my finicky kids fish sticks while I form my own friendship with food. I frequently find myself swearing fiddlesticks (and other words beginning with f) while I fail forward in my adventure with food. I also occasionally talk fingernails. Apparently, unbeknown to me prior to this blog, I have a love affair with ALL words beginning with f. All this time, I thought it was just the one! Disclaimer: Fish sticks is a catchall word for stuff my kids will eat. Literalists beware. Hyperbole is my friend."
That's when I started to realize that I had a special relationship with F words that extended far beyond what I considered to be a one word category. I also simultaneously at the same time realized that I might possibly be what some might call weird. I've accepted it and moved from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence and I'm calling it progress.
I've also come to accept that if I keep this blog singularly focused on food:
1. I'll post about three times every other year,
2. I'll be holding my own feet to the fire about resolving my cooking issues
3. Why on earth would I want to do that?
4. I'll be continually awash with guilt for numbers 1-3.
5. Oprah says not to awash myself in guilt so I'm not going to.
6. Also, I'm pretty sure Jesus said something about that, too, although I really don't think blog guilt was exactly what he was aiming at...nonetheless...
7. These numbers are erroneous.
8. Case in point
So, I'm here asking forgiveness from my 12 faithful followers for changing the rather benign, albeit strange title of "Fishsticks, Fiddlesticks and Failing Forward" to the broader, albeit possibly offensive title "Writing with F Words". I realize that looking at your "blogs I follow" and seeing that title could make you think you've been somehow spammed and cause you to say something like "what the f***?!" I will not be offended if you "unfollow". My low-teens follower numbers will cloak your decision in anonymity.
For those of you who do stick around, I promise to still write about Food (three times every other year), I also guarantee there will be plenty of Failing, hopefully with Forward movement. But now I Feel the Freedom to also write about my other Favorite F words: Friends, Family, Faith, Fingernails, France and Farming (gardening doesn't start with an f). I also think the new title is Freaking Funny.
Your Friend,
Jenny
P.S. What is your favorite f word?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Toast for Girls' Night
When we talk about bringing ourselves to the table,
it means being present,
engaged,
and contributing.
Thank you for bringing your whole selves to this table tonight.
All of you...hearts,
souls
and beautiful faces.
Your sweet hearts...
some are broken,
mended
and mending.
Your beautiful souls...
each is broken,
healed
and healing.
Your lovely faces...
all are radiant,
gorgeous
and smiling.
Here's to breathing the air of grace,
living in each moment,
and celebrating an ordinary Friday night
Made special by friendship in candlelight.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Need something to waste your valuable time...
other than reading this blog?
If you have Netflix Instant Queue, search for SNL Season 23, Episode 18. You will learn some excellent dance moves, feast your eyes on the eye candy that is Steve Buscemi, and gain insight into the cryptic blog post title: "Wallet wallet." I am sure no one got that reference. If you did give me a shout out, because I will then know we are soulmates. At least in the humor department of our souls.
If you have Netflix Instant Queue, search for SNL Season 23, Episode 18. You will learn some excellent dance moves, feast your eyes on the eye candy that is Steve Buscemi, and gain insight into the cryptic blog post title: "Wallet wallet." I am sure no one got that reference. If you did give me a shout out, because I will then know we are soulmates. At least in the humor department of our souls.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Bonus Mini Post: Wallet Wallet
It is one hour away from being the fourth day of March in my 35th year on this blue planet and....
I still have 10 long(ish) homegrown fingernails on the tips of my fingers.
This post is for my hard core followers who know that I really started my blog as a way to track my fingernail growing progress and to recount the saga of the last 30 or so years of my dramatic quest for a nail biting cure.
I figured I'd just hide the true blog within a blog about food. Food seemed more widely appealing than fingernails.
Dwight Shrewt and I would be friends if he was a real person. We see eye to eye when it comes to cunning plan with in a plan plans.
I still have 10 long(ish) homegrown fingernails on the tips of my fingers.
This post is for my hard core followers who know that I really started my blog as a way to track my fingernail growing progress and to recount the saga of the last 30 or so years of my dramatic quest for a nail biting cure.
I figured I'd just hide the true blog within a blog about food. Food seemed more widely appealing than fingernails.
Dwight Shrewt and I would be friends if he was a real person. We see eye to eye when it comes to cunning plan with in a plan plans.
Sage Wisdom & Rosemary Chicken
What was I thinking ending that last post with something that required follow through?
The ancient sages said, "Know thyself." I always liked my friend's version of that saying. It was on a plaque on her mother's fireplace mantel: "Smack thyself." Much more fitting in my case.
So, since there was not an overwhelming outcry from the the nether reaches of the internet for the curry recipe I tried last week. I'm movin' on. If one of the three of you who read the last post would like the recipe, please comment and I'll get right on that (next year). (<---know thyself).
Here's what I'm up to this Friday:
Just sent this email to my girlfriends...If you are one of my girlfriends and did not receive this email, please comment and I'll get right on that (this minute). (<---smack thyself).
"Hi Girls!
Anyone up for an impromptu Girls' Nite at my house tomorrow night?
Here's the plan(ish):
1. Eat good food.
2. watch a movie/hang out
*See end of email for menu and rsvp (so fancy) information
4:00/4:30
Michele and my friend Adriana (who cooks with me out of the goodness of her heart every Friday night) are planning to come over early to help prep food. Anyone is welcome to come over and backseat cook. If you decide to come over early, you might want to bring your chef's knife with you b/c you will be put to work. :) And if too many girls (can there really be "too many") come over early be prepared to be sent out of the kitchen to sit on the couch and snack b/c you know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen.... Or maybe I'll just go snack on the couch and you all can cook! haaha! :) kidding, of course.
6:30
eat.
6:45
eat.
7:00
eat.
7:01
stop eating. we're americans we don't linger and "dine" :(
7:05
watch movie/talk/hangout
7:09
dessert of some kind that I have not planned yet.
11:00
call husbands and tell them we are still hanging out and will be home in a couple of hours.
12:00
feel bonded and loved and thankful to be females.
RSVP:
please let me know asap if you can come and what part you plan on coming to. feel free to come late.
I need to know how much chicken to buy. I'm going to the store at 10am tomorrow, so it would be great to know before then, but if you really want to come over for dinner and didn't rsvp before I go to the store, I'm sure someone will be willing to half their chicken with you.
bring $2-$3 I ain't rich. wish I was. but I ain't.
feel free to bring a dessert if that does not stress you out. No girls stressed out about making a dessert allowed. Unless you're stressed out and need a good place to vent. that is definitely allowed.
Menu:
Roasted Chicken with lemon, rosemary garlic and thyme
roasted potatoes, butternut squash, parsnips carrots
I know this isn't super "spring-y" but its still solid winter everywhere else, and I want to honor that.
some kind of salad I haven't planned yet.
and maybe I'll get fancy and make some kind of bread. (this is a big maybe.)
Movie:
something from my chickflick collection or whatever is good on the netflix instant queue. Not that movie with meg ryan and the dude that travels in time. I had a girls night ruined by that movie. and i haven't recovered from it. never. again.
Okay, I think that's it. Knowing me, I've left out something important, so feel free to email me with questions and your "yes" rsvps! :)
Love,
Jenny
P.S. I drink wine. If you drink wine, bring your favorite. If you do not drink wine and would be uncomfortable around other people drinking wine. I'm sorry (for you). On Friday nights I drink wine. I'm religious about it. ;) "
So far I have received 8 wish-i-could-be-theres. I have a bunch of planners for friends.
I found the aforementioned dinner menu on a Jamie Oliver cooking show. I think I'm in love. I think he is helping me make peace with my issues (the cooking show issues...we haven't shared our other issues. yet.)
I am so tempted to say that I'm going to tell all about my new relationship with Jamie Oliver in my next blog post. But in an effort to know myself I'll refrain so I don't need to smack myself.
The ancient sages said, "Know thyself." I always liked my friend's version of that saying. It was on a plaque on her mother's fireplace mantel: "Smack thyself." Much more fitting in my case.
So, since there was not an overwhelming outcry from the the nether reaches of the internet for the curry recipe I tried last week. I'm movin' on. If one of the three of you who read the last post would like the recipe, please comment and I'll get right on that (next year). (<---know thyself).
Here's what I'm up to this Friday:
Just sent this email to my girlfriends...If you are one of my girlfriends and did not receive this email, please comment and I'll get right on that (this minute). (<---smack thyself).
"Hi Girls!
Anyone up for an impromptu Girls' Nite at my house tomorrow night?
Here's the plan(ish):
1. Eat good food.
2. watch a movie/hang out
*See end of email for menu and rsvp (so fancy) information
4:00/4:30
Michele and my friend Adriana (who cooks with me out of the goodness of her heart every Friday night) are planning to come over early to help prep food. Anyone is welcome to come over and backseat cook. If you decide to come over early, you might want to bring your chef's knife with you b/c you will be put to work. :) And if too many girls (can there really be "too many") come over early be prepared to be sent out of the kitchen to sit on the couch and snack b/c you know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen.... Or maybe I'll just go snack on the couch and you all can cook! haaha! :) kidding, of course.
6:30
eat.
6:45
eat.
7:00
eat.
7:01
stop eating. we're americans we don't linger and "dine" :(
7:05
watch movie/talk/hangout
7:09
dessert of some kind that I have not planned yet.
11:00
call husbands and tell them we are still hanging out and will be home in a couple of hours.
12:00
feel bonded and loved and thankful to be females.
RSVP:
please let me know asap if you can come and what part you plan on coming to. feel free to come late.
I need to know how much chicken to buy. I'm going to the store at 10am tomorrow, so it would be great to know before then, but if you really want to come over for dinner and didn't rsvp before I go to the store, I'm sure someone will be willing to half their chicken with you.
bring $2-$3 I ain't rich. wish I was. but I ain't.
feel free to bring a dessert if that does not stress you out. No girls stressed out about making a dessert allowed. Unless you're stressed out and need a good place to vent. that is definitely allowed.
Menu:
Roasted Chicken with lemon, rosemary garlic and thyme
roasted potatoes, butternut squash, parsnips carrots
I know this isn't super "spring-y" but its still solid winter everywhere else, and I want to honor that.
some kind of salad I haven't planned yet.
and maybe I'll get fancy and make some kind of bread. (this is a big maybe.)
Movie:
something from my chickflick collection or whatever is good on the netflix instant queue. Not that movie with meg ryan and the dude that travels in time. I had a girls night ruined by that movie. and i haven't recovered from it. never. again.
Okay, I think that's it. Knowing me, I've left out something important, so feel free to email me with questions and your "yes" rsvps! :)
Love,
Jenny
P.S. I drink wine. If you drink wine, bring your favorite. If you do not drink wine and would be uncomfortable around other people drinking wine. I'm sorry (for you). On Friday nights I drink wine. I'm religious about it. ;) "
So far I have received 8 wish-i-could-be-theres. I have a bunch of planners for friends.
I found the aforementioned dinner menu on a Jamie Oliver cooking show. I think I'm in love. I think he is helping me make peace with my issues (the cooking show issues...we haven't shared our other issues. yet.)
I am so tempted to say that I'm going to tell all about my new relationship with Jamie Oliver in my next blog post. But in an effort to know myself I'll refrain so I don't need to smack myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)