Cooking Shows Need Subtitles

The thought has crossed my mind: maybe I just need to watch more cooking shows.  That's what my foodie friends like doing.  They really do this.  for pleasure.  I think its comforting to them to watch one of their own kind talking in their native language.  Its comforting for them, I imagine, I assume, I conjecture, hearing someone talk about how effortless it is to blanch this, then saute that, throw in whatever you have on hand, add this "to taste"....

I need to stop here and say:

"to taste" is just...just...stressful.  what does that mean?  to what taste?  mine?  I don't trust mine.  What is it supposed to taste like?  Foodies taste something and then say oh...it needs a little more xyz.  How in the hell do you know that?  Is it a 6th sense I'm missing?  Oh my god.  It is.  Well, that's depressing.  If you know where they're selling those, let me know. I'd like one for Christmas.  I want the recipe to say: "blah, blah, blah to taste (it should taste kind of salty...not quite as salty as a french fry but saltier than 50% less sodium campbell's split pea soup."  I need things to be specific, people.  I'm not comfortable feeling my way.  I need hand holding.  I need help.  I'm going to jump off this downward spiral now.  Where was I before I was blinded by rage against the stress inducing phrase: "to taste"?

Ah yes,  food shows. I believe they should acknowledge they are speaking a foreign language and should, therefore, include subtitles for those of us who do not speak Foodie.  Aside from this oversight, the thing that kills me about those shows is the whole "effortless" tone that drips from every casual wave of their hand, stir of their spoon and lightening fast chop of their beautiful knives.  The toss this in, chat, chop that, chat, stir together, smile, act like they're just going for a stroll through a beautiful meadow picking fragrant wildflowers enjoying the sun's warmth on their glowing skin, confidently knowing all along that they are making something beautiful that one and all will enjoy. It just slays me. 

This is not my experience.  Cooking is a crucible, in which, I face uncertainty, stomach tightness, headache, irritability (and many other things listed as side effects in drug commercials).  I spend half my time reading and re-reading the recipe and then looking up half the words and processes.  Then I realize I don't have a certain ingredient and instead of saying effortlessly, "oh well, I'll just use a bit of this", I stop dead in my tracks and feel like I'm staring up at the 10 foot wall that needs scaling.  Drill sargent children and my hungry stomach are screaming, "Scale that wall, soldier. Now! Now! The dinner's burning!"  Doubt floods in.  If I leave that out, will it ruin everything?  If I add something else will it ruin everything?  Then I've wasted all this food that's already committed itself to this !@$* recipe.  And then I've wasted my little bit of money.  And worse than that, I've wasted my time on that !@#$ trip to the grocery store.  You can see how this can get a little wearing on a person.

It would make me feel better if there was a cooking show that ended with the host looking into the camera and saying (very slowly so that I can understand through the thick Foodie accent):

"you there, with the panic stricken face, the 3/4 empty bottle of wine, yes, you...the woman in the ill-equipped, teeny tiny, two feet of counter space kitchen who has just cooked while the phone was ringing, the texts were binging, the kids were waging civil war XXII, climbing over Mt. Laundry, to wade through the slog of the dirty dishwasher, all the while translating this foreign Foodie language....learning to cook when you're down the 6th sense and out of your element is work, but you can do it."

"Also, just for following along today, here's a little Foodie insider information: the Effortless Vibe is one aisle over from the 6th Sense, next to the Years of Experience and bottled Peace and Quiet.  The Foodie Store takes payment in these forms: Relax Already!, Preparation and Practice.  Warranties on our products are available for the low, low price of not taking yourself so seriously and seeing failing as creativity. See you back here tomorrow for some not so effortless cooking."

That would be my kind of cooking show.