Foot in Mouth

Particularly the foot and mouth belonging to me.

I was going back and forth about the title of this post.  Faux Pas or Foot in Mouth.  So I looked up the definitions of each. 

Faux Pas: "a social blunder or indiscretion; [from French: false step]".
The French have a way with words.  Even something like being a fool in public sounds fabulous.

Foot in Mouth: "This is used to describe someone who has just said something embarrassing, inappropriate, wrong or stupid." 
Americans, on the other hand, come up with phrases like "foot in mouth". 

I'm American, so I guess that's why the no frills definition of "foot in mouth" really resonated with me. But it was really the word stupid that tipped the scales.


The other day I got an email from a friend which said, "I'm emailing you because I've given up calling.  You never answer your phone."  I get pestered about that A LOT.  And for some reason, I decided today was the day to do something about it.  Clearly, the people calling my phone needed more information about my phone management style. Clearly.

So, I decided to change my chipper, cheerful voicemail greeting from the normal, "Hi, this is Jenny. Thanks for calling!  Leave me a message and I'll call you back.  Have a great day!" to something more informative.

I'm not a one hit wonder on voicemail greeting recordings.  Are you?  I was about the third recording attempt in.  I was feeling glib.  I was feeling catharsis.  It was feeling really quite good to hear myself saying, "Hello, this is Jenny.  Thanks for calling.  I use my phone as an answering service, which is why I hardly ever answer my phone.  If you would like for me to call you back, please leave a message and I will get back to you later in the day." 

In my head, I was hearing a choir singing, "Freedooooommm, Freedooooom!"  I was hearing, "Amen!  Preach it, Sista!"  "Go 'head!  Get it out! Tell 'em what its about!"   So I did.  I went on with my bad self and told 'em what it was all about. 

Bonus tip of the day: Listening to voices in your head is by and large a bad idea.

I continued recording myself saying, "if this is truly an emergency and you need to speak with me this very instant, send me a text message.  And another thing...for your information, I home school my two boys all day long, I cook, I clean, I garden, I have a life.  I enjoy doing other things with my time than answer the phone every single time it rings. So if you get this message and don't like it, oh well."  I'm absolutely sure it was a teensy bit nicer than that.

And then I laughed out loud, thinking, "Oh man, that is hilarious! I really wish I could leave that on there!"
My next thought was, "Oh shit! I better get that greeting off ASAP!  What if someone really heard that?"

So, I responsibly and promptly started recording another greeting.  I was in the middle of getting back to the "record greeting screen" when my phone rang showing a number I didn't recognize.  In my eagerness, to record my new greeting ASAP, I sent the call to voicemail.

mhmm...you read that right. I sent the call to voicemail. I am not lying. You can't make this kind of stupidity up. They did not leave a message, nor did they send me a text message.

I wish I was French.

Followers and Forgiveness

I started a blog about food and titled it "Fishsticks, Fiddlesticks and Failing Forward".  Originally, I wanted to force myself into a good relationship with food.  I've moved from hate/hate to love/hate and I'm calling it progress. 

My original "About Me" said: "I am a frustrated mom who decided to feed my finicky kids fish sticks while I form my own friendship with food. I frequently find myself swearing fiddlesticks (and other words beginning with f) while I fail forward in my adventure with food. I also occasionally talk fingernails. Apparently, unbeknown to me prior to this blog, I have a love affair with ALL words beginning with f. All this time, I thought it was just the one! Disclaimer: Fish sticks is a catchall word for stuff my kids will eat. Literalists beware. Hyperbole is my friend." 

That's when I started to realize that I had a special relationship with F words that extended far beyond what I considered to be a one word category.   I also simultaneously at the same time realized that I might possibly be what some might call weird.  I've accepted it and moved from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence and I'm calling it progress.  

I've also come to accept that if I keep this blog singularly focused on food:
1. I'll post about three times every other year,
2. I'll be holding my own feet to the fire about resolving my cooking issues
3. Why on earth would I want to do that?
4. I'll be continually awash with guilt for numbers 1-3.
5. Oprah says not to awash myself in guilt so I'm not going to. 
6. Also, I'm pretty sure Jesus said something about that, too, although I really don't think blog guilt was exactly what he was aiming at...nonetheless...
7. These numbers are erroneous.
8. Case in point

So, I'm here asking forgiveness from my 12 faithful followers for changing the rather benign, albeit strange title of "Fishsticks, Fiddlesticks and Failing Forward" to the broader, albeit possibly offensive title "Writing with F Words".  I realize that looking at your "blogs I follow" and seeing that title could make you think you've been somehow spammed and cause you to say something like "what the f***?!"  I will not be offended if you "unfollow".  My low-teens follower numbers will cloak your decision in anonymity.

For those of you who do stick around, I promise to still write about Food (three times every other year), I also guarantee there will be plenty of Failing, hopefully with Forward movement. But now I Feel the Freedom to also write about my other Favorite F words: Friends, Family, Faith, Fingernails, France and Farming (gardening doesn't start with an f).  I also think the new title is Freaking Funny.

Your Friend,
Jenny
P.S. What is your favorite f word?