Those undeserved words last night show the power of crawling up on a loft bed when you're too tired after a long day. Listening to a boy's wonder at burrowing owls and the difference between vultures and buzzards and "did you know that all black birds in Florida are red-winged, Mommy?"
These past few years, I've fought the end of the day, night time thing with the kids. I'll read a story from time to time, say prayers, always a kiss and a hug goodnight, too many times a curt word about mommy being tired and needing some quiet. Aren't I entitled to a bit of quiet after a day spent schooling and running and refereeing too many fights? For damn sure, I am. I make sacrifices. I've worked hard today. I deserve a break. The problem is, I never met an entitled person I liked.
I measure my life and my days by many things. How much did I get done today? What did I accomplish? My list is long and when I cross things off I think I feel better, like life is moving in the right direction. Me and the myopic machete slashing through life.
Since February, and reading the love chapter in Corinthians most days with the boys, I've been mulling measuring my life in love. It hurts to see how small I live.
"I can make all kinds of sacrifices..." home school, rarely have time or energy for friends, my thread of sanity after the 30th fight today...
"and yet if I do not have love it is all an awful noise..." "my whining, and scolding and demanding and curt bedtime no more talking!..."
None of the tasks, sacrifices, accomplishments---whatever I'm calling them today---matter if its done without love. Love in my voice, love in my eyes, love in my actions.
A list will have you send your boys off to bed with a quick hug and a kiss.
Love will send your weary body climbing up a loft ladder to listen to little hearts delight.
Laughing real belly laughs with my boy as he reads Calvin and Hobbes...he doesn't just read...his expression and voices and inflections...watching him choose "one last strip" with the discernment of an aficionado...
The last hour of my day slips away...I would normally measure that hour in dishes done, floors swept, rooms straightened, to do lists made...everything in order, quarter-bouncing tight and in place.
The last few nights I've chosen to measure it in love and there's laughter everywhere, questions strewn about, smiles all over the place and a mess of giggles.
I feel better, like life is moving in the right direction.
Hey, thanks for making me cry at ten in the morning. Your boys have a terrific Mama! Love your heart. And the pics have been fun too!
ReplyDeletemore, more, more... we want more. geez, fans can be so greedy ; )
ReplyDeletesuch a good dose of momma inspiration - thank you for sharing with us!
Thanks for the encouragement to get back at it, Janna. Thanks for reading. :)
ReplyDeleteSummer, I'm trying to just throw little things up more often. :) Hopefully, I'll at least post a picture when I don't have time to write anything.
ReplyDeletemiss you guys...
Wow... Well said! A better way to measure productivity to be sure.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you wrote a new post! You should link this one up to Ann's this Wednesday. Great post, just what I needed to read. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOH Jenny. I fight my craving for quiet every night starting at 7pm. The kids are raving lunatics in their last ditch effort to stay awake as long as possible and sometimes I just hide from it, letting Scott put them to bed. But I've recently realized that I'm missing out on some of their most tender, open-hearted moments. I'm trying to make better choices each day too, to measure by what really matters, not what I want. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteI think I need to quit measuring it by how much I cross off on my to-do list. It's a poor measure and one that can make me feel like a failure if I'm not careful. This is a great post to make me think. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou continue to amaze and inspire me dear friend. Love you!
ReplyDelete